Real love from the inside out
Updated: Sep 23
When we think about love, especially around Valentine's Day, we often focus on romance and grand gestures. This year, I want to offer an alternative perspective that starts a bit closer to home.
Below, you'll find instructions for Metta, a loving-kindness exercise. It's a simple contemplative practice rooted in Buddhist tradition, but you don't need to be spiritual to try it.
I've chosen to share this practice because many people feel there's not enough love and kindness in the world at the moment. Perhaps this practice can help us bridge that gap a little.
A gentle reminder before you begin
Many people find this exercise gentle and settling. However, turning your attention towards yourself can sometimes bring up unexpected feelings. If at any point you feel overwhelmed or distressed during the practice, please stop. Do something that grounds you like making a cup of tea, going outside, or calling someone. Return to it if and when you feel ready. It may simply not be the right practice or the right time for you, and that's perfectly fine. If anything difficult arises, please reach out to someone you trust for support.
Metta - The loving kindness practice
Metta is about paying attention to and cultivating genuine warmth for yourself, then extending that warmth to those around you and your wider community.
How the practice works
You'll repeat phrases of goodwill, first for yourself, then for others. If the traditional phrases don't resonate, you'll find several versions to choose from, so you can choose what feels most meaningful.
If the words feel awkward at first, that's completely normal. You're building a skill, and like any skill, it takes practice.
Step 1: Start with yourself
Find a comfortable position. Take a few deep breaths, then choose whichever set of phrases feels most genuine to you:
Traditional version:
May I be safe
May I be healthy
May I be at ease
If you're living with chronic illness or disability, you might prefer:
May I be as comfortable as possible
May I have what I need
May I be at peace with my body as it is
If you're struggling right now:
May I be kind to myself
May I have strength for today
May I find moments of relief
If the word "safe" doesn't resonate:
May I be protected from harm
May I be held in kindness
May I be at peace
Choose one set of phrases or mix and match. Repeat them slowly, several times. You might notice resistance or disbelief, and that's okay. You're not trying to convince yourself of anything. You're just offering yourself goodwill.
Step 2: Someone you care about
Bring to mind someone you love or care about. Picture them clearly if you can. Then offer them the same phrases:
May you be safe
May you be healthy
May you be at ease
Or adapt them as feels right:
May you have what you need
May you be supported
May you know peace
Step 3: Someone difficult
This step can be more challenging, and it's completely fine to skip it if you're not ready.
Think of someone you find difficult. Not someone who has seriously harmed you, but someone who irritates you or with whom you've clashed. Offer them the same phrases.
You're not condoning their behaviour or pretending to like them. You're acknowledging that they, too, are trying to navigate life as best they can.
If this feels impossible, that's ok. Come back to it another time or you can skip it entirely.
Step 4: Your wider community
Finally, expand your awareness to include your whole community, your town, and everyone around you. You can even extend it further to your whole country, or the entire world. Offer the phrases more broadly:
May all beings be safe
May all beings be healthy
May all beings be at ease
Or:
May all beings have what they need
May all beings be free from suffering
May all beings know peace
A note on adaptation
These prompts are suggestions to help you cultivate a feeling of warmth and goodwill. If different words resonate more with you, please use them. Some people prefer:
May I be free from fear
May I accept myself as I am
May I be gentle with myself
May I have enough
The goal is to spend a few minutes intentionally extending kindness to yourself and others, rather than spending that time criticising, worrying, or judging.
When phrases feel painful
If "May I be healthy" feels out of reach, please adapt the phrases. Metta isn't about wishing for impossible things or denying reality. It's about extending genuine care to yourself exactly as you are.
You might try:
May I be as well as I can be right now
May I have ease in my body and mind
May I be at peace with what is
May I be supported through this
May I be kind to myself in this difficulty
Similarly, if "May I be safe" feels hollow because you don't feel safe, you might try:
May I find moments of calm
May I be protected where possible
May I know I'm not alone
The practice should feel like a warm hand on your shoulder, not like someone telling you to cheer up when things are hard.
How long should I do this?
As long or as short as feels right. Five minutes is plenty, but even one minute counts. Some people do this as a formal sitting practice, while others repeat the phrases while washing up or walking to work.
What if I don't feel anything?
That's completely normal, especially at first. You're creating conditions for warmth and kindness to arise naturally, which sometimes takes time. Think of it like watering a plant and placing it in the light. Eventually, it will almost certainly start to grow.
What if it makes me emotional?
This is also normal. Sometimes offering ourselves kindness and truly meaning it can bring up a lot. If you find yourself feeling overwhelmed, that's ok. Be gentle with yourself. You can pause, take a break, and come back to it later, or not at all. Whatever feels right for you.
Once you’ve got the hang of practising Metta, take it into your daily life. When you notice yourself being harsh, pause and ask: what would I say to a friend in this situation? When you encounter someone who’s struggling, can you extend them the same goodwill you'd wish for yourself?
The Metta practice helps us respond to ourselves and others with warmth rather than coldness, and with care rather than judgment. Start small. Be loving. Keep loving.
If these words have resonated with you, I warmly invite you to book a free 30-minute introductory session so you can explore how coaching can help you to move forwards.
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