Real love from the inside out

When we think about love, especially around Valentine's Day, we tend to focus our attention on romance and grand gestures. This year, I wanted to offer an alternative perspective that begins a bit closer to home.

Below, you'll find some instructions for Metta, a loving-kindness exercise. It's a simple contemplative practice rooted in Buddhist tradition, although you don't need to be spiritual to try it.

I've chosen to share this practice because for many people, it feels like there's not enough love and kindness in the world at the moment. Perhaps this practice will help us bridge that gap a little.

A brief note before you start

Most people find this exercise gentle and settling, but turning attention towards yourself can occasionally surface feelings you weren't expecting. If at any point you feel overwhelmed or distressed during the practice, please stop. Do something that grounds you (make a cup of tea, go outside, call someone) and return to it if and when you feel ready. It may simply not be the right practice for you, and that's ok. If anything difficult does come up, please reach out to someone you trust rather than working through it on your own.

Metta - The loving kindness practice

Metta is about paying attention to, and cultivating a genuine warmth for yourself, and then extending that outwards to the people around you and your wider community.

How the practice works

You'll repeat phrases of goodwill, first for yourself, then for others. If the traditional phrases don't work for you, you'll find several versions so you can choose what feels most meaningful.

If the words feel awkward at first, that's ok. You're building a skill, and like any skill, it takes practice.

Step 1: Start with yourself

Find a comfortable position. Take a few breaths, then choose whichever set of phrases feels most genuine to you:

Traditional version:

• May I be safe

• May I be healthy

• May I be at ease

  
  

If you're living with chronic illness or disability you might prefer:

• May I be as comfortable as possible

• May I have what I need

• May I be at peace with my body as it is

  
  

If you're struggling right now:

• May I be kind to myself

• May I have strength for today

• May I find moments of relief

  
  

If the word "safe" doesn't resonate:

• May I be protected from harm

• May I be held in kindness

• May I be at peace

  
  

Choose one set of phrases or mix and match. Repeat them slowly, several times. You might notice resistance or disbelief and that's ok. You're not trying to convince yourself of anything, just offering yourself goodwill.

Step 2: Someone you care about

Bring to mind someone you love or care about. Picture them clearly if you can. Then offer them the same phrases:

• May you be safe

• May you be healthy

• May you be at ease

  
  

Or adapt them as feels right:

• May you have what you need

• May you be supported

• May you know peace

Step 3: Someone difficult

This bit is more challenging, and it's completely fine to skip it if you're not ready.

Think of someone you find difficult. Not someone who's harmed you seriously, but someone who irritates you or who you’ve clashed with. Offer them the same phrases.

You're not condoning their behaviour or pretending you like them. You're acknowledging that they, too, are trying to get through life as best they can.

If this feels impossible, that's ok. Come back to it another time or skip it entirely.

Step 4: Your wider community

Finally, expand your awareness to include your whole community, your town, everyone around you. You can even extend it further if you like to your whole country, the whole world. Offer the phrases more broadly:

• May all beings be safe

• May all beings be healthy

• May all beings be at ease

  
  

Or:

• May all beings have what they need

• May all beings be free from suffering

• May all beings know peace

  
  

A note on adaptation

These prompts are suggestions to help you cultivate a feeling of warmth and goodwill. If different words work better for you, please use them. Some people prefer:

• May I be free from fear

• May I accept myself as I am

• May I be gentle with myself

• May I have enough

  
  

The point is to spend a few minutes intentionally extending kindness to yourself and others, rather than spending that time criticising, worrying, or judging.

When traditional phrases feel painful

If "May I be healthy" feels out of reach, please adapt the phrases. Metta isn't about wishing for impossible things or denying reality. It's about extending genuine care to yourself exactly as you are.

You might try:

• May I be as well as I can be right now

• May I have ease in my body and mind

• May I be at peace with what is

• May I be supported through this

• May I be kind to myself in this difficulty

  
  

Similarly, if "May I be safe" feels hollow because you don't feel safe, you might try:

• May I find moments of calm

• May I be protected where possible

• May I know I'm not alone

  
  

The practice should feel like a warm hand on your shoulder, not like someone telling you to cheer up when things are genuinely hard.

How long should I do this?

As long or as short as feels right. Five minutes is plenty but even one minute counts. Some people do this as a formal sitting practice. Others repeat the phrases while washing up or walking to work.

What if I don't feel anything?

That's completely normal, especially at first. You're creating conditions for warmth and kindness to arise naturally, which sometimes takes time. Think of it like watering a plant and putting it in the light. Eventually it will almost certainly start to grow.

What if it makes me emotional?

This is also normal. Sometimes offering ourselves kindness and really meaning it brings up a lot. If you find yourself feeling overwhelmed, that's ok. Be gentle with yourself. You can pause, take a break and come back to it later, or not at all. Whatever feels right for you.

The real practice

Once you’ve got the hang of practising Metta, take it into your life. When you notice yourself being harsh, pause and ask: what would I say to a friend in this situation? When you encounter someone who’s struggling, can you extend them the same goodwill you'd wish for yourself?

The Metta practice helps us to respond to ourselves and others with warmth rather than coldness, and with care rather than judgment. Start small. Be loving. Keep loving.

If these words have resonated with you, I warmly invite you to book a free 30-minute introductory session so you can explore how coaching can help you to move forwards, . Click here to book an appointment.