The courage to be seen

Surface and soul

I took part in a photoshoot last month. I really enjoyed the day but when I saw the results, I had heaps of praise for everyone else’s photos (they were beautiful) and a whole lot of criticism for mine (How many chins? When did I get so old?).

My fellow photoshoot participants rejected my criticism. They said they loved how the photos came out, and how they showed my character and the spirit and energy of the day.

My discomfort with photos highlights a universal truth: the way I picture myself often doesn't match what others see when they look at me. This gap between our self-image and how others perceive us affects not just how we feel about our appearance, but also how we understand our personalities, abilities, and place in the world.

The difference between self-image and how others see us

Self-image is the mental picture we have of ourselves. It's our beliefs about who we are, what we're good at, what we struggle with, and what matters to us. We build this image throughout our lives based on our experiences and the feedback we get from others.

Social perception is how other people see us. People form opinions about us based on what they observe about what we do, how we do it, and how we communicate and interact with others.

There can often be a big difference between how we see ourselves and how others see us. It can be helpful to explore that difference so that we can grow and get to know ourselves better.

We all live in two worlds at the same time. We have our inner world and internal view of how we see ourselves. We also have the external reality of how others see us. In coaching (and my own experiences), I've seen that the gap between these two worlds often creates significant tension in our lives. This disconnect between self-image and the way others see us is not only common but can also be a source of deep discomfort and distress.

We experience ourselves from the inside. We’re the keepers of our private thoughts, feelings, and experiences. Meanwhile, other people can only see the things we do and hear the words we speak. They’re not privy to our inner worlds unless we share them through our words or behaviour. This fundamental difference means we’re all operating with vastly different sets of information.

When you send a grumpy reply email to a colleague after a difficult week at work, you know your response comes from feeling underappreciated and overwhelmed. Without this information, your colleague might conclude that you’re an angry, difficult person to work with. One situation but two different interpretations.

The way we see ourselves is influenced by our emotional states, fears, and hopes. We also view ourselves through the filters of our insecurities and past experiences. This can distort how we think others perceive us. We overestimate how much people notice our perceived flaws, mistakes, and insecurities. This "spotlight effect" means we believe our imperfections are more visible and significant to others than they actually are.

Why is it so uncomfortable to be seen as we truly are?

At our core, humans are social beings. We’ve evolved to live in groups, relying on each other for survival. We have a need to belong. Social interaction and connection are hard-wired into us.

Being seen by others for who we are means risking rejection if others don't accept or like what they see. When we sense we might be judged, this activates primitive survival mechanisms in our brains and forces us to keep checking in on how “acceptable” we seem to others.

Many of us develop masks to deal with this fear of judgment. We create public personas for ourselves to meet other people’s expectations and to protect our vulnerable authentic inner selves. When these masks slip, and we show ourselves, we may fear exposing what we consider to be our "unacceptable" qualities.

This strategy isn’t always helpful. We can’t control how others see us, even if we try really hard. Not being able to truly control how others see us can feel threatening when our sense of self is fragile or when we’re heavily invested in keeping up a particular image.

Unhooking from self-limiting stories

Our minds constantly generate stories about who we are and what others think of us. If we can learn to observe these stories rather than getting caught up in them, we can create greater freedom to be ourselves.

When you notice self-critical thoughts about how others see you, see if you can label them. For example;

If you think “Everyone noticed my mistake”, you can label that thought as a story. It's something your mind has created. It may be true. It may not be true but it's not very helpful.

When you notice that thought, try saying "I'm having the thought that everyone noticed my mistake". This can help create some psychological distance and perspective to help you decide what to do next.

Checking in

Sometimes, our discomfort with being seen comes from being lost in thoughts about the past or future, rather than engaging with what's happening in the here and now.

If you get lost in trying to work out other people’s thoughts about you, turn your attention to what you're feeling in your body. Are you feeling stirred up? Where is there tension in your body? How do your clothes feel against your body? Can you feel your feet on the floor?

Focusing on the here and now anchors you in reality. It can help you not get lost in stories, thoughts and memories. By focusing on your body as it is in the world right now, you’re grounding yourself in what’s really happening, rather than what you imagine happening.

Knowing what matters most

It can be helpful to do some work on your values too. When you’re clear about what matters to you and what you want to stand for in life, you can become less dependent on others for validation and be guided by your internal compass instead.

I’ve got a values exercise here. Take some time to do this work and ask yourself: "If I was doing things in line with my values, how would I show up regardless of what other people thought?"

Growth happens when we take steps toward a meaningful life, even when it feels uncomfortable to be seen.

Getting more comfortable with discomfort

Understanding that being seen by others is inherently uncomfortable can help you make peace with that feeling. Our minds will move mountains to help us not feel uncomfortable. Being more able to sit with discomfort can make it easier to be your authentic self without having to try to control what other people think about you.

When you notice you feel discomfort about other people’s perceptions about you, see if you can breathe into that feeling of discomfort while reminding yourself:

"I can feel this uncomfortable feeling and be ok. I can feel this feeling and be myself. Even though it doesn't feel good, I can cope with feeling uncomfortable. This feeling will pass."

Reconciling how we see ourselves with how others see us isn’t about making the gap between the two go away. It's about developing the psychological flexibility to move through the difference with less struggle.

When we allow ourselves to be seen as we are, “imperfections” and all, we give ourselves the chance to connect with others. Sometimes, our efforts to maintain a polished, perfect image keep us isolated but when we show our authentic selves we can make connections that make life meaningful.

When I agree to be in photos now, I try to see it as a chance to bring my internal self-image closer to how I appear to others. I still feel uncomfortable, but I know that I can be more compassionate to myself and develop greater self-understanding. Building a healthy, loving self-image is an ongoing process, not a destination.