Putting the 'Me' in 'Merry'

Here comes December. Can you feel the expectations stacking up? Are you collecting commitments to host meals, buy gifts, or emotionally manage family members who will almost certainly fall out before they crackers have been pulled?

Somewhere in the middle of this festive whirlwind, there's you. A person who might be struggling, or grieving, or just really tired. A person who doesn't necessarily find this time of year magical at all.

If that sounds like you, here are some tips to help you survive December without completely abandoning yourself in the process.

The festive industrial complex

Firstly, this is what many of us are up against. Somewhere along the line, Christmas became less of a way to celebrate light in the darkness and more of a consumerist endurance event. The festive period can feel like a full-time unpaid job that somehow you're expected to do on top of your actual job, while also being grateful for the opportunity.

The expectations can be enormous and are often unspoken. Society tells us we're supposed to:

• Be happy (or at least look happy)

• Bring people together (and manage their feelings when it goes wrong)

• Create magic for others

• Spend money you might not have

• Eat and drink more than is comfortable

• Neglect your own needs in service of everyone else's

  
  

Sound familiar? And if you fail at any of this, well done for "ruining Christmas". I'm tired just writing that list. Living it is something else entirely.

When December is hard

For some of you reading this, December isn't just tiring, it's genuinely difficult. Perhaps you've lost someone and the empty chair at the table is all you can see. Maybe you're estranged from family, and everyone's perfect gatherings feel like salt in a wound. Maybe you're low on funds and the consumerism makes you feel like you're failing. Maybe you're sober and the drink-focused socialising is isolating. Maybe you're depressed and the enforced jollity feels alien and inauthentic.

If that's you, I want to let you know that you're not broken. You're not ungrateful. You're a human being having an understandable human response to something that's genuinely hard for you. It's ok to not love Christmas. It's ok to find it difficult. It's ok to just want it to be January already.

Permission slips for December

At this time of year, I often give my clients metaphorical permission slips that they can use whenever they need them. Choose whichever ones you need. They’re my gift to you this year.

Permission to say no You don't have to go to everything. You don't have to participate in traditions that don't work for you. "No" is a complete sentence, although "I'm not able to this year" is a softer version if you need it.

Permission to leave early You can stay for two hours instead of six. You can skip the part where everyone gets drunk and argumentative. You can have an exit plan and use it.

Permission to spend it differently

Just because you've always done Christmas one way doesn't mean you have to keep doing it like that. Traditions can be changed and new ones can be created. You're allowed to design a December that works for you.

Permission to feel what you feel 

If you're sad, be sad. If you're angry, be angry. If you're just really tired, that's legitimate too. You don't have to perform joy you don't feel.

Permission to protect your energy

You don't have to be available to everyone all the time. You can turn your phone off. You can have quiet days. You can prioritise rest over socialising.

Permission to ask for help You don't have to carry everything alone. You can delegate. You can say "I can't manage this." You can let things be imperfect.

Practical ways to keep yourself top of your Christmas list

Name your needs What do you need to get through December? Is it a daily walk? Time alone? Coaching sessions? Eight hours sleep? Work out what you genuinely need and protect those things fiercely.

Plan your getaway If you're going somewhere that might be difficult, plan how you'll leave if you need to. Have your own transport. Have a signal with a trusted person. Give yourself permission to use it.

Limit your social media time If other people's perfect Christmases are making you feel worse, it's ok to take a break from it. Your mental health is more important than keeping up with the algorithm.

Find your people Whether it's friends who also find this time hard, online communities, support groups, or your coach, connect with people who get it and you don't have to pretend with.

Do one thing that's for you In amongst all the obligation and expectation, do one thing in December that you want to do. Something that feeds you rather than depletes you.

The part that wants to please everyone

If you're reading this and thinking "yes, but I can't say no / leave early / change things", I understand. Maybe there’s a part of you that's terrified of disappointing people, or causing conflict, or being seen as selfish. That part might have learned somewhere along the line that your needs matter less than other people's comfort and it's doing its best. Please remember that you cannot pour from an empty cup, and December can empty a lot of cups.

Looking after yourself isn't selfish. Actually, you're more able to be present and genuinely engaged with people when you're not running on empty and resentment. The people who care about you would rather you did less, or differently, or not at all, than have you perform a version of yourself that leaves you feeling depleted and miserable.

Finally, remember that it’ll be over in 31 days. It doesn't have to be perfect. It doesn't have to be magical. It doesn't even have to be particularly good. On the other side of it you’ll get the gift of quiet, dark, dull January where nobody will expect anything from you except maybe the gym membership you won't use (or is that just me?)

You can do this, and you don't have to do it the way everyone else thinks you should. Put the 'me' in merry, or don't be merry at all. Both are completely fine.

Thinking about making a change?

If these words have resonated with you, I warmly invite you to book a free 30-minute introductory session so you can explore how coaching can help you to move forwards, . Click here to book an appointment.